Reflections

I do not enjoy New Year's.

I typed and deleted about 25 sentences to start this post but beginning with a harsh declarative feels right. At the end of December every year I can feel myself retreat and coil inwards but with claws reaching out, wanting to fight my own soul. I can't pinpoint when this feeling started but for the last few years especially I've been trying to examine what my feelings are and where they might be coming from and what I can do with them, productively. My biggest "problem" is that rather than spending the final days of a year reflecting on all of my success and happiness from that year I only see what I didn't accomplish or succeed in that I had hoped to. And if I try to come up with resolutions they only seem to amplify those feelings of regret instead of pushing me towards goals for the future. For me a resolution causes me to live in the past.

This year I'm trying out something that I've read about for a few years. I've chosen one word that I would like to live my life by. An intention. The way that I see it, this one word is already a reflection of who I am because if I am drawn to this word it must already live within me in some way, shape or form. This is also not a concrete goal like losing weight or flossing my teeth every day, which are great goals to have but once lost can cause a loss in self-confidence and destruction.

My word for 2017 is light.

There are many definitions for light:

1. the natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible

2. understanding of a problem or mystery; enlightenment

3. provide with light or lighting; illuminate

4. make (something) start burning; ignite

5. having a considerable or sufficient amount of natural light; not dark

6. (of a color) pale

How I see light existing in my life already:

• we have spent a lot of time bringing great lighting and candles and pale, neutral colors into our home to make it feel open, airy, bright and calming

• I spend a lot of time on education in my career

• I work very hard to look at problems from all perspectives and try to find solutions that work for all whenever possible

• I've been going to the gym more regularly and trying to eat healthier

• I try to stay away from drama and toxic people as much as I can

• I've recognized that I'm inherently introverted in the sense that I require quiet time on my own to fill up my cup

• I'm a purger and take the time to go through my possessions to get rid of what I don't need

• I donated to more charities this year than in previous years

Where I hope to continue to bring more light into my life:

• letting go of what is out of my control, or even just letting go more in general

• slowly step away from social media more often, especially at night

• bring meditation into my life

• volunteer and continue to donate to charities

• continue to live as healthy a life as possible without beating myself up for lapses

• learn energy work techniques in order to surround myself and loved ones with good energy without depleting my own energy source

I'm sure there are so many other ways that I can and will find light in my life this year. And for the first time in awhile, I'm excited to see where it takes me.